Show Up

My Guru says “your deserving power is directly proportional to your staying power.” Deserving power was a weird concept for me the first time I heard it. That kinda makes sense to me in retrospect since I had almost no clue that I was worthy and deserving of anything other than trauma. So here’s what I think deserving power is to me, right now, as I write about it. Have you ever missed out on something you wanted to do because you didn’t think you belonged there? Have you ever passed on going out with friends or on a date with someone new because you thought nobody actually liked you? Have you ever stopped short of trying really hard at something because you thought that failing to obtain that goal meant you didn’t deserve to achieve that goal? These are all manifestations of the attitude of “not good enough.” It’s diabolical when break it down. Because the attitude kinda masks itself as the shunned victim and allows a “safe” mental space for me to be alone with my victimhood. Almost like the recalcitrant justification for me to be kind if I want or to play the martyr if I want. It’s like a choose your own adventure of dishonesty. And thats where I start to realize how fucking staggeringly egoic that mentality is. Now I can see it, the same pattern the same habituated thinking, playing out in my practice. Here’s my most common for instance. “No need to meditate/flow/pray/write/sing/play music/call a friend/do a breath practice etc etc because “You only have five minutes and it’s not even worth it. There’s no need to sit down to meditate when you know you have to leave here in 10 minutes. There’s no need to roll out your mat and get some movement because well shit you’ve been wandering around wasting time all morning and now you have somewhere you said you’d be soon and that would only leave you about 5 minutes to flow and so what is the point.” Have you ever heard a voice like that? Some variation of it? It’s horse shit. It’s a lie. It’s a voice and I hear it, but the things it says aren’t true. If I were to rework that voice into what it RESULTS in when I listen to it it would sound like this: “You don’t matter, you’re not worth the 5 minutes you have to open up your body. You might as well hang on to the old way of thinking because the energy you need right now to break the cycle and do something different, you’re not worth it. So just…yeah don’t meditate for five minutes outside the doctor’s office. Don’t flow for 5 minutes and breath love into your tight hips and anxious chest. You’re not worth it.”

It might not say that, but that’s what it means. That’s how it ends up. And it’s bull shit. It’s absolute nonsense. Here’s the thing…every moment matters. It’s not trite. This isn’t pithy glad mouthing. Every moment you ever experience will pass through right now. The ripples of love you send into your past and future, the you that you want to create as you work on your evolution, it has to pass through that moment that the old mind says “No…don’t sit. Don’t move. Don’t write.” There is a reason that resistance is there. I can’t tell you what it is, because it’s different for all of us. But there is a real reason that you feel so opposed to the things that you know will improve you. Not because there is anything wrong with you right now. There isn’t. I swear to all that is decent and holy you are magical and lovely and worth the adoration of the stars and the honor of the celestial bodies! You do! You cosmic beautiful fucking human! I LOVE YOU! AND it is the nature of the universe to evolve, to improve upon even it’s own perfection. And that will ONLY happen in a moment. A great life doesn’t magically appear. It appears in the moments when we sit with that old voice, and we breath into it. It begins in moments like this, where I can hear the voice louder than ever tell me that this blog post that I started in August doesn’t matter and my writing doesn’t matter and nobody gives a fuck. But I do. I give a fuck about Bobby. And Bobby is his best self when he throws caution to the wind and writes or meditates or loves with reckless abandon even in the most fleeting of moments. So I carry a notepad now, and I try to write when writing hits me. And I also sit down in the morning and set a timer with my sadhana for the next 32 days (I started last week) and I write because it helps even when I don’t “feel” inspired. I write, flow, meditate, practice, not because I FEEL inspired. I do it because the essence of me is inspiration itself. Unlimited love. Unlimited. So I move the way love would have me move, not when I feel like it. Because the IT that I AM, is not subject to the fluctuations of feeling. Feelings are so magical to experience and teach and are an insanely exhilarating part of this robust human experience. But I don’t let them tell me what to do AS MUCH anymore. I’m human. I fuck it up. I still have all the feelings. Doubt and fear of my own capability and my own destiny for greatness are amongst the foremost of those. And with grace I will learn more and more from them every day.

So keep showing up. Even if it’s only for a second. The two minutes of asana is better than the zero minutes. The one kind word is better than the passive aggressive silence. The five minutes of silence will take you farther than “killing time” until it’s time to leave. Oh…that one gets me all the time. These moments and breaths and tiny little fractions of “time” that you think won’t matter…they DO! They WILL. Every second. Every moment. Choose to show up. For you. You’re worth it.

Robert PlagmannComment