Nothing Is Wrong...And Grace is Green
Nothing is wrong, my love. Stop where you are and breathe. Read it again. Or don’t because I’m going to write it again. Nothing. Is. Wrong. And you do not have to live LIKE nothing is wrong. Because, nothing is wrong. So we can lay down the struggle of pretending and let’s allow raw pure realness to show through. And, so, you only need to live, my love.
Wrong is a thought. A label. It is not a state of being. And you are the master of your thoughts, if you want to be. This is part of the magic of yoga. When you start to see the thought, the label, the habit of “bad” or “wrong” or “unfair.” You start to see it as a thought and not something that REQUIRES you to behave in a certain way…striking out for vengeance and the like. No, instead, with your mind and heart fixed on love, you can start to experience everything without labels. This is discernment. This is love’s great filter. This is your essence.
And then…once again…OFF to the races. The ego finds a place to settle and new identity to assume or story to tell. Maybe it digs up an old one that hasn’t been seen in a while. Before you know it you have slipped from your moment of bliss. You wake up inside of an old habit and think that all is lost. And you guilt and shame yourself because no REAL yogi or christian or good person or insert positive pronoun here would POSSIBLY do this thing I have done. Seriously, I can have weeks and weeks of unbelievable days in a row where everything just clicks and then I can go an untold number of days where I stop in the middle of my meditation and take a sip of coffee and wonder sometimes out loud why “I am the only Sattva Yogi in the world who isn’t able to stay focused during meditation every day. Nobody else is having this struggle and no one would dare drink coffee in the middle of their sadhana. BAD yogi. BAD Bobby. Yeah…this is what it’s like to be me. And yet, even then, NOTHING IS WRONG. But the ego sure wants to tell me that there is, right?
I mean, here’s the thing. The ego isn’t real. It’s a construct to help make sense of what we perceive through a reductive nervous system. And autopilot life, before any kind of spiritual awakening or awareness, is a PERFECT fit for ego. Because ego only exists as a construct, it does not exist in the space between. In stillness there is no ego. And so in fear of death ego runs around like crazy CONVINCING us that our attention is needed here there any everywhere. And quite often this is true. Our attention is needed and ego has done its job. This is a two edged sword. Again, because ego only exists in a dynamic state, it is terrified of stillness. Of ceasing. Of death. Ironic…ego isn’t real yet it carries very real consequences. This is part of the monkey mind. Ceaselessly bouncing around afraid of being still. Afraid to be alone. Afraid of what’s really out there.
For me this fear leads down a few familiar roads. Sometimes it says drink so you don’t feel alone. Well, it tells me that I’m a grown up and dammit I can drink if I want to but what it really means behind that sad excuse for an excuse is “I’m lonely and I don’t know how to feel this…so let’s drink, hey?” Yes, Bobby, even then, nothing was ever wrong. It doesn’t have to be alcoholism or drug abuse. It’s any number of identities or stories that ego can squeeze itself into. It is a carnival of ill fitting boxes that leave us feeling so misshapen that by the time we catch a glimpse of our true selves ego tells us that is all we’ll ever see. So even in the midst of hope we find a way to dull our shine. And, yet, nothing is wrong. Ego says don’t talk about these things. Keep them to yourself because it’s silly. I mean who would burden their friends with such lame issues, right? And slowly we see that even THIS is a victim identity, and not real. And even still, nothing is wrong.
What is happening as we experience these feelings and situations and states of mind is that we are growing into a fullness and a ripeness of love of self that is only nurtured in the womb of doubt that gives way to trust. We continue to show up for ourselves not based on how we feel but based on faith in the practice, incubated in sacred ritual and sangha. We continue to share openly and deeply with our friends in harmony and while smiling at the voice that assures us that nobody wants to hear us. Through the exercise of this faith in ourselves we start to become plump and full with love. We mysteriously find ourselves more spacious…seemingly having done nothing. And we have done nothing. Only remembered. Only realized. What we thought was emptiness is more accurately seen as vastness…as profound possibility. We start to catch glimpses of what were impenetrable walls falling to pieces as our light breaks through these boxes and cages and prisons we called castles. The lies fall away. It is no longer safe or acceptable to call any place other than love our home. And we see ego, scrambling still for another box to slide into. And it will. And you, and I, will get carried away in another identity and story that we forgot or haven’t had the courage to face and embrace. For whatever reason…we will get swept away again. And when we do, my love, nothing is wrong.
So feel yourself. Feel all of it. Struggle and scramble and wail and laugh and burst at the seams with ANYTHING you want to feel. But keep showing up for yourself. Keep going to yoga or running or cooking or meditating or sharing with friends or whatever makes you feel your FULL SHINE. For you are bright, my love. You are sunshine and forever wed into material bliss. Yes you are. Please, dear one, if only for a moment remember…Nothing. Is. Wrong.
Oh, yeah…the grace is green part. Hmmm…in meditation tonight I experienced such gratitude. This experience showed up as color pulsing behind my eyes, fine prickly like a new comb against my skin kind of vibration, and the ache of too much love…my heart getting bigger and bigger. I have been in the midst of a 54 day devotional practice or sadhana that has revealed abundance in my day to day life. Some days I was sure that meant being happy with the amount of money I had. Yeah, I mean that’s part of it. But that’s not the essence. Some days I thought it meant being grateful for my car and my dogs and my beautiful home and the flowers and trees and yes that is also it but my finger wasn’t quite resting on what stillness was trying to tell me. Tonight it hit me in a flood of deep Ganges green…it is love. Abundance is love. In every breath and moment if we can fixate on love…we will never experience a moment of lack. For we ARE never lacking. We only experience lack as a thought. And through habit and karma we give that thought energy as voice and action. And only then does it even remotely manifest as true. But to meditate on love in any moment…even as the fist strikes your face and it feels as if the lover has ripped your heart in two…there is nothing wrong. And love is the ultimate proof.